Partly I've become more comfortable with my own writing in the past months and there are sections I can most definitely tell were written a year or more ago that feel chunky and awkward. But also, the ideas I've been writing about are beginning to fit like a favorite jacket getting short in the sleeves. I am simply not the same person –thank God, I was a year ago, which is why (If you've noticed) my contributions to this blog have decreased drastically in number in the past month or so.
What I mean is, writing has forced me to evaluate the way I see the world, how I create art, what a meaningful life means, and what it means to follow Jesus. In the process, I've tackled subjects I once embraced wholeheartedly, or rather subjects that once embraced me. And It would be fair to say that my approach to such evaluation has been to smash everything with a maul in order to see what survives.
Demolition is neither the kindest or gentlest methodology. I've had to make some mistakes and apologies along the way. But I was once slave to certain self-imposed ideologies (or maybe idolatries), forcing the same rigid expectations on others that I had on myself, thinking the whole time of God as The-Great-Disappointed-In-All-of-Us. There was a day when I left that house and resolved never to go back, and for good measure I've been tearing down the silly place altogether.
Today, as my pug was re-marking his spot on the pole in front of our apartment, I realized that the demolition was finished. Now this is a metaphor, and there are still demons from my past worldview that need undoing and revising, and I think there will still be times ahead when life needs a sledge hammer, but if I can't learn to put down the ideological tools of destruction, I'll never have a roof over my head.
Maybe it's time to start building fresh on the foundation that proved impervious to my ideological sledge-swinging. Maybe it's time to learn to use a different sort of hammer.