When I Stop Trying to Figure It Out
I am indecisive–nay, paranoid about what direction I'm heading, no matter what direction I'm heading. My gut has long given in to finding THE correct path to follow, which makes new decisions fairly paralyzing. As a result, pursuit of any venture, train of thought, goal, or skill, is not only a battle toward that thing but also a battle with myself about whether or not that thing is the correct thing. Essentially I am continually afraid that everything I am doing is in the long run going to be a waste of time. Maddening I know. I never said it was healthy.
But I don't have the luxury of omnipotence, nor has God yet dropped a roadmap in front of me, which is probably good as I'd rather not know if I were going to die next week in a car wreck; I'd probably have a hard time enjoying today if that were the case. But there are things here and now that I have in front of me; people in my proximity who need me as much as I need them; skills I can hone, enjoy, and use; and a God who invites me to share this moment with Him. If I can oversimplify, my debilitating paranoia is nothing more than philosophical justification for doing nothing at all in the name of waiting for perfection.
It's my own fault. I spent years attempting air tight philosophies to live in, heartless frameworks that demanded a perfection I could never attain, frameworks I used to measure up those around me (they also fell short), straining to see the end and everything in between. But if I pay attention to the best storytellers I know personally, and others I have only read about, they didn't have much in the way of a road map either. They were a bit more human: learning, growing, failing, learning. And yet, they found a way to add extraordinary sub-plot to the narrative that the infinite storyteller is spinning, throwing up their hands with a smile whenever resolution occured.
And so today we do, we write, we love, we read, we hone, we cook, we work, we pray, we struggle, and we enjoy as we attend to what is in front of us and keep an ear alert for any call that might come.